I should be sleeping.....

I hate not being able to sleep. But what am I gonna do about it. bang my head at the wall til I knock myself out. My cousin used to do that to fall asleep. lol. It is really weird. No one should take what I say in my blogs too seriously by the way. Especially if they are written at 1 am. I have no idea what I will say so that is some sort of warning. My last two blogs were a little depressing so I am gonna look on the light side today. So what has been going on in the world of Darla. Well, on Thursday night Julie and I went to the bar at the Red Lion hotel and sang some karaoke. That was fun! Well I sang karaoke. I mean.... (cough cough). I will have to go back sometime and reprise my role as the cheerleader for the old man playing pool. lol. no really... he wanted me to cheer for him. ya... anyways so today was pretty dull beside the BBQ at the Miller's house for the Stirring. I saw some new faces and some old ones and made awkward conversation and normal conversation. I don't do well in situations like that sometimes. Small talk bothers me sometimes. I kinda wish that I had more friends around here though so I wouldn't have to show up at a BBQ and hang out with people that I don't know that well. But the purpose was to make new friends. I am either really good at that or really bad at that. I was really good at it over the summer for some reason. I have always had a harder time connecting in Redding maybe I am still out of my comfort zone here or something. who knows? Well tomorrow Brett and Jesse and I are going river rafting on the American River. I am glad that Brett and I are working on the friend thing. We will see how it goes but I am excited about going rafting. yay! well I have to get up really early. so goodnight world. BTW God is awesome!

Friends, Morality, and Me (ranting)

• Okay seems like my last blog caused some controversy. I am not saying that a girl who as never had a boyfriend can't be my friend. I am just saying that she is not like me. I am friends with lots of different people. I actually like having friends that are different than me. But the feeling that I was feeling was that I want someone here in Redding that is the same as me. Someone who feels comfortable walking into a bar and will sing karaoke with me. I didn't mean to offend those that won't do that. I like to do that so I want other friends that will do the same things as me and have had similar experiences. I am not trying to be a downer on those who haven't. Just like my non-Christian friends aren't trying to change me into the ultimate party girl. They know that I am not that girl and they respect me for that. I have beliefs and morals too, but I know that I am not as strict as some people. I have lines that I won't cross and I have lines that I said that I wouldn't cross that I did cross. And I actually have no shame in admitting that. I live my life by my rules and not anyone elses rules. I really don't like rules actually. But I stick to morals that are important to me. I know someone is gonna say that I can't pick and choose biblical rules or something. I am not saying that I do. For one thing, there is nothing in the bible to go off for dating. Christian rules for dating are made up by the church. And I know that getting drunk is "bad". I am not gonna say that it isn't bad. I just can think of a lot more worse things that I could do that I have never done. So I don't consider myself a bad person just cuz I drink from time to time. I haven't drank alcohol in 2 weeks and I am actually really proud of myself for that. I am gonna think about what I am doing now to make myself a better person and not what I did a month ago. But what I did a month ago or 2 months ago has shaped me into who I am today. I am not gonna deny that I am different because of it. I am just different that what surrounds me. I know that everyone sins and someone is gonna say that you can't rate the degree of sin. And that everyone has shortcomings. Okay but my experiences are still different from yours. Just like a drug addict, sex addict, or alcoholic has had different experiences from me. I am not rating sin. I am just saying that people have different life experiences. So the "Belonging" blog was about wanting someone that I can connect to on a deeper level because we have had similar experiences. Like if you have never had a boyfriend, there is no way that you can relate to the fact that I have had 5 boyfriends and various hook-ups with guys. And that I just got out of a 3 year relationship. No one can relate to that unless they have been there.
• Disclaimer: This blog is in no way meant for anyone specific. I have many friends that haven't had the same experiences as me.
  

Belonging

Have you ever felt like you don't really belong with any group of people? I kinda feel that way right now. Guilt settles in to a point were I almost feel like I have done too many bad things to be a part of some Christian circles. I mean I am not this cookie cutter Christian that does everything right. I am just not. I have had too many short comings and mishaps to feel connected to another girl that has never had a boyfriend and always does the right thing. I hear these girls say things like that they are never gonna get married or wait until they are really serious with a guy to even kiss him. Man I wish I was in that spot. But I can't be. And I feel almost sinful just for thinking that. Because their ideas sound so perfect and mine sound flawed. Then on the other end I don't fit in with these girls that are waiting for the next party and the next hook up. Sex is okay and encouraged. Over the summer I was trying to be that girl too. It never really clicked though. God is still a huge part of my life, but I am nowhere near perfect either. Can anyone out there identify? Does anyone else feel caught in the middle of two completely different world, but can't relate to either? Is anyone on my side?

welcome to Redding

Well I made it to Redding. Safe and sound with a roof over my head. It was a little crazy trying to look for a place to live. I tried the whole search on craigslist thing and I came across an amazing house with a pool and everything. And I really wanted to live there and I got turned down for a girl that lives in New Zealand that is going to Bethel. Okay? And she had never even been there and my mom and I drove 4 hours to see the place. crazy? and then we went to Simpson and looked at postings on the board in the mailroom. And we called one on a whim and showed up at her door 10 minutes later. This girl named Beth with 2 dogs in a small townhouse. But i wanted to look some more so I called other numbers and later that week I made a 2nd trip to Redding to view two more places. And I really liked one of them. Seemed like I could fit in with these girls but I guess they didn't seem to think that I could fit in with them. :( So I called Beth whose place that I saw earlier in the week. And she said "yes". woo just in time. A week before school started. So I moved in on September 1st. It has been pretty cool here so far. Cool roommate. cool dogs. Beth and I have been going to the Stirring the last 2 weeks. Wow this is what I was missing. I missed church so much. I went over 3 months without any church or God connection. I still prayed sometimes but I was involved in other things that were holding me back from really connecting with God. Parties are fun for a moment and they sucked me in for sure. But there was no real fulfillment. The single life was a life were I was just waiting for the next hook up to keep me satisified. I had to get so drunk that I would just hook up with anyone. I was drowning. I kinda feel like moving to Redding saved me. And even when I do go back home and hang out with those friends, I feel like I can be a stronger person. Because without that connection with God, I am nothing. I don't even feel like I need a guy right now. It is kinda lonely. I mean I was in a relationship for a long time so I got used to having someone. But right now I am focusing my energy on God and not the fun that the world offers. (Hopefully this attitude will last through the week. it is Sunday. doubt always enters)
Darla

new updates

I probably need to post here more. I have been absent from it for 4 months. This has been 4 months of struggle and change. I realize however that I need to draw back to God. I have not attended a church service in 3 months. I am confused about where God fits into my life. I have been living with my parents in Sebastopol for the last 4 months and during this time, I have made many new friends. These friends however do not know God. They pursue to party and have a good time. And I actually have discovered that I love this life too. I have laughed more and had more fun than I have had at home in a long time. My favorite things are karaoke at a local bar on Tuesday nights and Wednesday night poker at friends house in Petaluma. I still feel like something is missing. Is it God? I also have ended a two year 9 month relationship with Brett. We were going off in different directions and I felt like I was being pulled. I was beginning to struggle with staying faithful to him. I felt like a failure. I wanted to be with him in certain aspects, but in other aspects I felt as if our relationship was more of a friendship. long distance can be hard but I realized that this was not the only reason that we were drifting so I told him that I need a break from him and time to clear my head. So I still sit here. Clearing my head and trying to find what is missing. I also have the stress of not having a place to live in Redding. I thought that I had a place locked down but it also failed. So I have to start all over again and school starts in 2 weeks.
:(
Darla

Promotions of a few different things.

I decided not write a blog about myself, but rather promote some projects that are going on around and this cool band that I like.
Well one really cool thing that I personally have been doing is helping out with the Parkview Project in Redding for my Multicultural class, this includes tutoring about once a week afterschool. Even tho they can get on my nerves sometimes, I totally love it and am gonna miss working with them dearly. If you ever get the chance to tutor, you should totally do it.

Also I have been helping with the Stirring Kids since January and I am totally going to miss that too. If you are reading this and you live in Redding and don't go the Stirring. here is the website www.theStirring.org. And if you go to the Stirring, and are gonna be around for the summer, help out with the kids cuz it is way fun. I mean who doesn't love crafts and worshiping God with the kids.

Another thing that I wanna bring up is a project that my friend Will has decided to head up. It is called Help Super-Bat-Spiderman. I know that you are probably wondering who is Super-Bat-Spiderman. Well, his name is Nicolas Eaken and he is 4 years old and has Burkitt's lymphoma and has other physical and mental problems including Autism. His mom is a single mom of 4 boys and they lost their home in Healdsburg, CA (Sonoma County) to toxic mold last year. Nicolas and his mom are at the Ronald McDonald House in Sacramento, but are trying to transition back to Sonoma County. If you wanna help contact my friend, Will Southall, at his myspace http://www.myspace.com/noizemaker or email help_super_bat_spiderman@yahoo.com or call (707) 280-5427 or go to their myspace www.myspace.com/superbatspiderman_batmom.

Well another thing that is not a project at all is my boyfriend's band. They rock! I really think that they do and I am not just saying that cuz I am dating the drummer. They just recorded two tracks with John Miller a few weeks ago and they sound amazing. Go to www.myspace.com/tornkashmere to check them out.
Ok that is all for now folks. Bye Bye.
Darla

Hey hey

So I am not sure if anyone reads these due to the lack of comments in return... so the most recent cool fun stuff was the Myriad concert which was March 15th and Spring Break which was March 20th-30th. So the Myriad concert was freaking amazing!!! It is the best that I have ever heard them play. This is the 3rd concert of theirs that I have been too. And the first on was like almost 3 years ago or at the Stirring. Like way back in the day. HA. Anyways it seems like they are more famous now too considering that I was squished in line to get pictures/ autographs for awhile. Oh and the funniest part was when Brett got stuck under the stage at the concert. So I dropped my purse under the stage and I told Brett to go under the stage and get it and he got stuck and then an usher lady comes up right then... in trouble "uh Oh"... well he got out like 1 minute later but it was still pretty funny. And he didn't get my purse so I had to wait til after. Yay for the Myriad!! WOOT!
So Spring Break was pretty awesome.. my first night, we had a skate night fundraiser in Rohnert Park at Cal Skate for Nicholas who is a 4 year old boy with Burkitt's lymphoma :(. My friend Will knows him. Ben came to the skate night with me and we had fun skating in circles and watching him play DDR. I hope that we raised some money for Nicholas. :/ I am not sure cuz it was a small turn out. After the skate night, Jax and I went to Ben's house to play Rock Band... which was uber fun. I love Rock Band. The only part that I can do is the singing part, but oh well. I still love it.
Friday was church at Hope Chapel for Good Friday... it was pretty cool what Dan had to say about Jesus and stuff. I know I am being vague. But i did like the message. After, I talked some to Jeni C. who I haven't seen in forever. It was good to see her. Then I went to swing dancing! It was really boring at first and then Kevin F. came with friends and we danced and hung out... They invigorated me with energy that I didn't have earlier. Afterwards, we went to Carrow's until 1 am :). I miss times like that with people. It was good to have one again. It was funny Kevin brought up something about interrogating me or something because I am a Christian and then he just dropped it and didn't say anything. I was glad cuz I wasn't looking forward to a theological debate at such a late hour.
Saturday, I hung out with my family. Sunday, was Easter and we went to Chevy's for Easter lunch... my family is random with holidays some times... it wasn't a big deal this year.
Monday was College Group with the cool peoples from Sebastopol Christian Church. It was amazing cuz Brandon gave his testimony. He is so on fire for God now it was great to see and good to talk to him. He is such a different person than he was a few years ago. :)
I also got a new laptop on Monday cuz my dad broke my other one. :(.... Lame I know. ha.
Anywho Tuesday was nothing important... my bro came to visit on Wednesday. I am so proud of him. He is working so hard for the Oakland PD. Also my parents left for Vegas on Wednesday night.... well at midnight on March 27th :P.... On Wednesday, i also hung out with Ben again and we watched some Simpsons and played more Rock Band.
Thursday, I was woken up at 6:30 am by my cat... after going to bed at 1 or 2. :P So I had a major lack of sleep. I went to sushi that morning with Ben after playing some more Rock Band... then after the super good sushi at Tex Wasabi's, we went to the mall.
I was supposed to hang out with Bryce, but I never did. It was disappointing. But I am over it now. :P. I left on Friday for Orland and I hung with Brett. We also went and hung out in Chico on Saturday with Brett's bro and got some new/old stuff from the Pick N Pull for Brett's car. And only half of the stuff worked... then we went and got dinner at Olive Garden... :). And then we hung out at a "concert" that sucked with Justin... hmmm. Sunday was church and then off back to Redding... and this week I have been in Redding... I am getting shorter and shorter... ummm that doesn't make sense. I know. ok. bye. now.