moving on

I was just thinking today about a person that I cried over for years. How could I have been so dumb and so blind? It was all a game and I was caught up in it. He has revealed his games to me. I think it is funny that we are still friends too. For years, I would hate him and curse him and say that guy is a jerk. Somehow I was able to forgive him. Somehow I was able to move on. I don't even feel guilty about the past anymore. I carried it around with me for years like a crutch. He hurt me so much that I was afraid to love anyone or give myself that fully to someone ever again. And somehow I was able to find that love again. And I think even though Brett and I are broken up now. I am able to heal over that much faster because of this experience that happened to me before. I have realized that I can't hold on to hurt and pain forever. Sometimes we just need to let it go. I mean I was like depressed over this for 2 years. I tried to pretend that I was happy and okay but I wasn't. I had cried so much while I was actually with him that when everything went bad and wrong. I couldn't even cry anymore. I didn't cry for an entire year even though there were moments that I want to cry really badly. And because of that I had to tell everyone how much pain that I was in. People heard me curse him 100 times even though I was certain that I was over it and I had forgiven him. Of course, all this hurt and pain that I was carrying around meant nothing to him. I had to realize that what he thought didn't matter. It was between me and God. I thought that it was impossible to forgive him and I swore to myself that I would never speak to him ever again. We were more the same when we actually dated except I had more Christian values than he did. I was able to say no to and draw a line. My line wasn't defined though and things that I was unsure about doing that didn't cross the final line ended up hurting me greatly. Because I knew that everything that we did was out of lust and not out of love. I wanted to love him but we had become to different. He hated Christians and he hated God. He could cheat on his girlfriend 50 times and not even think twice about it. I didn't need a guy like that but I still wanted him. Physical attraction is a hard thing to get past. I mean even know after all that has happened and how much I hated him for years. I still can't be in a room alone with him. I don't agree with anything that he stands for but I can't be alone with him either. I am so glad that I have finally realized all this and it is really sad that it took me almost 5 years to come to these conclusions about him. I know that he is a player and a jerk to girls but we have been able connect as friends too. We are so different too. But I am different than alot of my friends. And I still know how to keep him at a distance. I have to remind myself daily about what we have been talking about at the Stirring. How we love everyone. Even those who stabbed us in the back. I have no idea how I am doing it either, but I must be crazy and I am. Wow that was a lot of rambling but I felt like I needed to say it and isn't that what blogs are for.