Life Update

So I don't live in Redding anymore. And I don't go to Simpson anymore. I quit school because it was just way too much for me and I think I was getting depressed in Redding. I mean I love everyone there and stuff. I just had this feeling all semester that I wasn't supposed to be there anymore. I ended up getting sick at the end of the semester and I missed all my classes. So I ended up failing all my classes too. It kinda sucks. So they actually ended up kicking me out, but I REALLY wanted to leave too. I know that I kinda screwed up with school. I am thinking about going to school down here in Sonoma County at Sonoma State. But we will see how that works out.
I started blogging on myspace again too. I keep forgetting about this one. And since no one ever reads it. I have to do extra work on myspace and facebook to promote that I write on here. ugh.
Over Christmas break... I kinda went through some ups and downs with guys and such. I got really mad for no reason kinda at this guy and I said some things that I shouldn't have. One of my blogs on myspace was like the day after that.
Anyways I am tired of feeling like a screw up. So I am trying to turn my life around while I have the chance. I mean I am only 24 so I guess I have a lot more living to do. I am excited tho cuz I have a job interview at a school on Friday to be a TA for Special Ed. Which is pretty close to what I want to do so I am excited about getting my foot in the door at a school around here. I am just praying that I actually get the job.
Anyways if you read this thanks for reading and you are awesome.
Darla

Jan 25th, 2009

The Valley
Current mood: confused

There is a valley and I am in the middle. On one side, stands the Christian world. Jesus is there and God too, oh and the Holy Spirit. They have this gift of purity and they say that they love me. But then some mean and judgmental people stand firmly on their side. They claim to be a friend of God. But I feel as if I should be closer to him. I am not mean or judgmental. The other side stands the rest of the world. They don't have an agenda for me to live by. Live and be free. Do as you please. Go drink, party, have sex, take drugs. They love me too and they aren't judging me. And they throw really good parties. I like going to parties. They are kinda alluring with all their mystery and excitement. And here I am in the middle. A pretty strange place to be. One side makes me feel really guilty... and I know it isn't God that makes me feel guilty it is them. But I have started to realize that no one is perfect. Sometimes I swear some of these "rules" are just to control me. I don't want to be controlled either. I wish I had that freedom to do everything that I wish. But religion is holding me back. Don't get me wrong. I am very much still standing here in the middle. I totally still believe in God and that Jesus is God etc.... you know all that stuff. Just the middle is a bad place to stand. I feel like I have been standing here for awhile. I feel like I am kinda trapped. Well back to wandering in the valley. Let me know how you are doing up there on your side.

December 28th, 2008

Thoughts from the unwanted
Current mood: lonely

Sometimes guys just make me SO upset. Not all of them but some of them. I hate mixed signals and I hate being led on to believe things that aren't true. Like don't tell me that you think that I am really hot and do things with me that you do with someone that you like or are interested in. AND tell me to call you and that we should hang out. AND then not call or text me back when I do exactly what you said. Let me know the truth right off the bat. Don't lead me on to believe that maybe things can work out if thing were better when we both know that they can't. Don't tell me it is all cause you are a nice guy and you didn't know. Apologies are taken with conditions. You will never have my full trust or really be my friend because you screwed up.

This message is kinda directed at one person right now. But it is not the first time that something similar has happened to me. So it is kinda a message to all the assholes out there that are faking that they are nice guys. For instance, if there is no chemistry then tell me or make it obvious. Be a jerk if you have to be. I will actually have more respect for a guy that doesn't lead me on. But I also have no respect for a guy that continues to be an asshole to my friends and I way after the fact.

Lately, I have felt wanted by some people but very very unwanted by other people. I am not sure how I am handling this whole being single thing. It is hard for me. I know I am probably being selfish but I want to be loved again. It is the greatest feeling in the world. I have never handled rejection very well and to have it happen over and over and over again. SUCKS! I guess it is life and it happens and I have to deal. But guys are really just starting to piss me off. So this is to all the assholes that I have had to deal with lately. I am sure that none of them will read this either cuz none of them care enough about me to read my blogs. But good riddance anyways.

Another 2 am blog

I kinda get the urge to write these at weird times in the morning. Like 1 or 2 am. I am weird like that. CRAZY! I kinda have been blogging back on myspace again. I know I said that it was only for poetry but there are some blogs on there now that probably belong over here... I will repost them on here for sure. Anyways... So life has been going okay. Last time that I wrote was the day before the river rafting.. it was pretty amazing and I made some new friends. we got to kill each other with water guns... And our raft was the pirate raft and we stole like two ores from the other raft... ah ha. victories. Rarr. Ya I was on a raft with 6 guys so that was pretty cool for me.
Hmm so the next week. I was sick and I missed out on 2 school days. ick.
Oh then that weekend. I saw Torn Kashmere in Corning. Brett, Jennie, and James rocked it as usual. There was two other cool bands worth mentioning Save and Continue and One Dying Secret. I kinda made friends with the dudes from Save and Continue. They wanted us to go hang with them at the Corning casino but my friend Erin and I went to LOST in Chico instead. Which totally sucked. I should have stayed in Corning.
School is going alright so far... I am getting a little overloaded cuz I was sick and all that. But I think I will come out of that okay.
This weekend on Friday I went to a BBQ at the Hayes' house... It was more like a George Foreman grill-aque... lol. It was fun though. Beth and I met this guy from Simpson named Tom.
She gave him her number so he can go to our Life Group. Oh ya Life Group is my small group through my church the Stirring. :)
Saturday was the Myriad concert. I went all by myself this time. I stood right in the front row and it was an amazing show. The Myriad has yet to disappoint me, but I don't get disappointed easily either. It was still amazing though... :)
Tonight was the last night of a series at my church the Stirring... We Love. We Make Disciples. I got a shirt that says we love... I have pics on here and my myspace and my facebook. So go check it out.
Much love friends
Darla
addition... I forgot to say this... After the Stirring tonight, Beth and I got like 15 cards from the Stirring and we put them on people's doors in our townhouse complex. But that is just the beginning.. We plan on showing God's love to these people every day from now on... No more running inside. We also met our new neighbors that moved in across from us and gave them cards.

what i want in my future husband!

Out of recent frustrations, I am writing this blog to tell the world what I want in my future husband. I hope I can find a guy that is actually like this. LOL.

Physically: I am a sucker for blue eyes. I like blondes. I am also a sucker for tall dark and handsome. If a guy is skinner than me, it scares me a little but I was with one for 3 years so it is alright. Just know that I will try and make them fatter. Or buffer... of course I like muscle. The height has to be between 5'6" and 6'3". I like guys that keep me warm and safe. :)

Spiritually: Must love Jesus. It is a requirement. I have dated guys that didn't and it just caused so many problems. I couldn't stand it. However, I hate judgemental Christians. Everyone sins even me... And I will not be judged based on my sins. I want to be judged based on my love for God and my personality and character as a person. I love everyone despite their sins. And I don't judge people. I can't be with someone that does. It is not in my character.

Personality: He has to be funny. A sense of humor is a must. No squareness. You gotta have fun. I am pretty goofy and silly. So the guy has to be like that too but know when to be serious. I talk a lot so he must be a good listener and advice giver. Has to have a brain and use it.

Job/Responsibility: He must have a good job or be in school to get a good job, but I will not marry him til he is done with school. Must be responsible. The husband is supossed to provide for the family. This takes maturity. Like I said before he can act silly all he wants but has to be serious when required.

No fake people. No players. No guys that just want to get in my pants. No idiots. No cocky guys. No losers.

Ya I am a little specific on what I want. And they guy that I marry might not meet all those requirements. But I hope that I find him someday. :) later

moving on

I was just thinking today about a person that I cried over for years. How could I have been so dumb and so blind? It was all a game and I was caught up in it. He has revealed his games to me. I think it is funny that we are still friends too. For years, I would hate him and curse him and say that guy is a jerk. Somehow I was able to forgive him. Somehow I was able to move on. I don't even feel guilty about the past anymore. I carried it around with me for years like a crutch. He hurt me so much that I was afraid to love anyone or give myself that fully to someone ever again. And somehow I was able to find that love again. And I think even though Brett and I are broken up now. I am able to heal over that much faster because of this experience that happened to me before. I have realized that I can't hold on to hurt and pain forever. Sometimes we just need to let it go. I mean I was like depressed over this for 2 years. I tried to pretend that I was happy and okay but I wasn't. I had cried so much while I was actually with him that when everything went bad and wrong. I couldn't even cry anymore. I didn't cry for an entire year even though there were moments that I want to cry really badly. And because of that I had to tell everyone how much pain that I was in. People heard me curse him 100 times even though I was certain that I was over it and I had forgiven him. Of course, all this hurt and pain that I was carrying around meant nothing to him. I had to realize that what he thought didn't matter. It was between me and God. I thought that it was impossible to forgive him and I swore to myself that I would never speak to him ever again. We were more the same when we actually dated except I had more Christian values than he did. I was able to say no to and draw a line. My line wasn't defined though and things that I was unsure about doing that didn't cross the final line ended up hurting me greatly. Because I knew that everything that we did was out of lust and not out of love. I wanted to love him but we had become to different. He hated Christians and he hated God. He could cheat on his girlfriend 50 times and not even think twice about it. I didn't need a guy like that but I still wanted him. Physical attraction is a hard thing to get past. I mean even know after all that has happened and how much I hated him for years. I still can't be in a room alone with him. I don't agree with anything that he stands for but I can't be alone with him either. I am so glad that I have finally realized all this and it is really sad that it took me almost 5 years to come to these conclusions about him. I know that he is a player and a jerk to girls but we have been able connect as friends too. We are so different too. But I am different than alot of my friends. And I still know how to keep him at a distance. I have to remind myself daily about what we have been talking about at the Stirring. How we love everyone. Even those who stabbed us in the back. I have no idea how I am doing it either, but I must be crazy and I am. Wow that was a lot of rambling but I felt like I needed to say it and isn't that what blogs are for.

I should be sleeping.....

I hate not being able to sleep. But what am I gonna do about it. bang my head at the wall til I knock myself out. My cousin used to do that to fall asleep. lol. It is really weird. No one should take what I say in my blogs too seriously by the way. Especially if they are written at 1 am. I have no idea what I will say so that is some sort of warning. My last two blogs were a little depressing so I am gonna look on the light side today. So what has been going on in the world of Darla. Well, on Thursday night Julie and I went to the bar at the Red Lion hotel and sang some karaoke. That was fun! Well I sang karaoke. I mean.... (cough cough). I will have to go back sometime and reprise my role as the cheerleader for the old man playing pool. lol. no really... he wanted me to cheer for him. ya... anyways so today was pretty dull beside the BBQ at the Miller's house for the Stirring. I saw some new faces and some old ones and made awkward conversation and normal conversation. I don't do well in situations like that sometimes. Small talk bothers me sometimes. I kinda wish that I had more friends around here though so I wouldn't have to show up at a BBQ and hang out with people that I don't know that well. But the purpose was to make new friends. I am either really good at that or really bad at that. I was really good at it over the summer for some reason. I have always had a harder time connecting in Redding maybe I am still out of my comfort zone here or something. who knows? Well tomorrow Brett and Jesse and I are going river rafting on the American River. I am glad that Brett and I are working on the friend thing. We will see how it goes but I am excited about going rafting. yay! well I have to get up really early. so goodnight world. BTW God is awesome!