what i want in my future husband!

Out of recent frustrations, I am writing this blog to tell the world what I want in my future husband. I hope I can find a guy that is actually like this. LOL.

Physically: I am a sucker for blue eyes. I like blondes. I am also a sucker for tall dark and handsome. If a guy is skinner than me, it scares me a little but I was with one for 3 years so it is alright. Just know that I will try and make them fatter. Or buffer... of course I like muscle. The height has to be between 5'6" and 6'3". I like guys that keep me warm and safe. :)

Spiritually: Must love Jesus. It is a requirement. I have dated guys that didn't and it just caused so many problems. I couldn't stand it. However, I hate judgemental Christians. Everyone sins even me... And I will not be judged based on my sins. I want to be judged based on my love for God and my personality and character as a person. I love everyone despite their sins. And I don't judge people. I can't be with someone that does. It is not in my character.

Personality: He has to be funny. A sense of humor is a must. No squareness. You gotta have fun. I am pretty goofy and silly. So the guy has to be like that too but know when to be serious. I talk a lot so he must be a good listener and advice giver. Has to have a brain and use it.

Job/Responsibility: He must have a good job or be in school to get a good job, but I will not marry him til he is done with school. Must be responsible. The husband is supossed to provide for the family. This takes maturity. Like I said before he can act silly all he wants but has to be serious when required.

No fake people. No players. No guys that just want to get in my pants. No idiots. No cocky guys. No losers.

Ya I am a little specific on what I want. And they guy that I marry might not meet all those requirements. But I hope that I find him someday. :) later

moving on

I was just thinking today about a person that I cried over for years. How could I have been so dumb and so blind? It was all a game and I was caught up in it. He has revealed his games to me. I think it is funny that we are still friends too. For years, I would hate him and curse him and say that guy is a jerk. Somehow I was able to forgive him. Somehow I was able to move on. I don't even feel guilty about the past anymore. I carried it around with me for years like a crutch. He hurt me so much that I was afraid to love anyone or give myself that fully to someone ever again. And somehow I was able to find that love again. And I think even though Brett and I are broken up now. I am able to heal over that much faster because of this experience that happened to me before. I have realized that I can't hold on to hurt and pain forever. Sometimes we just need to let it go. I mean I was like depressed over this for 2 years. I tried to pretend that I was happy and okay but I wasn't. I had cried so much while I was actually with him that when everything went bad and wrong. I couldn't even cry anymore. I didn't cry for an entire year even though there were moments that I want to cry really badly. And because of that I had to tell everyone how much pain that I was in. People heard me curse him 100 times even though I was certain that I was over it and I had forgiven him. Of course, all this hurt and pain that I was carrying around meant nothing to him. I had to realize that what he thought didn't matter. It was between me and God. I thought that it was impossible to forgive him and I swore to myself that I would never speak to him ever again. We were more the same when we actually dated except I had more Christian values than he did. I was able to say no to and draw a line. My line wasn't defined though and things that I was unsure about doing that didn't cross the final line ended up hurting me greatly. Because I knew that everything that we did was out of lust and not out of love. I wanted to love him but we had become to different. He hated Christians and he hated God. He could cheat on his girlfriend 50 times and not even think twice about it. I didn't need a guy like that but I still wanted him. Physical attraction is a hard thing to get past. I mean even know after all that has happened and how much I hated him for years. I still can't be in a room alone with him. I don't agree with anything that he stands for but I can't be alone with him either. I am so glad that I have finally realized all this and it is really sad that it took me almost 5 years to come to these conclusions about him. I know that he is a player and a jerk to girls but we have been able connect as friends too. We are so different too. But I am different than alot of my friends. And I still know how to keep him at a distance. I have to remind myself daily about what we have been talking about at the Stirring. How we love everyone. Even those who stabbed us in the back. I have no idea how I am doing it either, but I must be crazy and I am. Wow that was a lot of rambling but I felt like I needed to say it and isn't that what blogs are for.

I should be sleeping.....

I hate not being able to sleep. But what am I gonna do about it. bang my head at the wall til I knock myself out. My cousin used to do that to fall asleep. lol. It is really weird. No one should take what I say in my blogs too seriously by the way. Especially if they are written at 1 am. I have no idea what I will say so that is some sort of warning. My last two blogs were a little depressing so I am gonna look on the light side today. So what has been going on in the world of Darla. Well, on Thursday night Julie and I went to the bar at the Red Lion hotel and sang some karaoke. That was fun! Well I sang karaoke. I mean.... (cough cough). I will have to go back sometime and reprise my role as the cheerleader for the old man playing pool. lol. no really... he wanted me to cheer for him. ya... anyways so today was pretty dull beside the BBQ at the Miller's house for the Stirring. I saw some new faces and some old ones and made awkward conversation and normal conversation. I don't do well in situations like that sometimes. Small talk bothers me sometimes. I kinda wish that I had more friends around here though so I wouldn't have to show up at a BBQ and hang out with people that I don't know that well. But the purpose was to make new friends. I am either really good at that or really bad at that. I was really good at it over the summer for some reason. I have always had a harder time connecting in Redding maybe I am still out of my comfort zone here or something. who knows? Well tomorrow Brett and Jesse and I are going river rafting on the American River. I am glad that Brett and I are working on the friend thing. We will see how it goes but I am excited about going rafting. yay! well I have to get up really early. so goodnight world. BTW God is awesome!

Friends, Morality, and Me (ranting)

• Okay seems like my last blog caused some controversy. I am not saying that a girl who as never had a boyfriend can't be my friend. I am just saying that she is not like me. I am friends with lots of different people. I actually like having friends that are different than me. But the feeling that I was feeling was that I want someone here in Redding that is the same as me. Someone who feels comfortable walking into a bar and will sing karaoke with me. I didn't mean to offend those that won't do that. I like to do that so I want other friends that will do the same things as me and have had similar experiences. I am not trying to be a downer on those who haven't. Just like my non-Christian friends aren't trying to change me into the ultimate party girl. They know that I am not that girl and they respect me for that. I have beliefs and morals too, but I know that I am not as strict as some people. I have lines that I won't cross and I have lines that I said that I wouldn't cross that I did cross. And I actually have no shame in admitting that. I live my life by my rules and not anyone elses rules. I really don't like rules actually. But I stick to morals that are important to me. I know someone is gonna say that I can't pick and choose biblical rules or something. I am not saying that I do. For one thing, there is nothing in the bible to go off for dating. Christian rules for dating are made up by the church. And I know that getting drunk is "bad". I am not gonna say that it isn't bad. I just can think of a lot more worse things that I could do that I have never done. So I don't consider myself a bad person just cuz I drink from time to time. I haven't drank alcohol in 2 weeks and I am actually really proud of myself for that. I am gonna think about what I am doing now to make myself a better person and not what I did a month ago. But what I did a month ago or 2 months ago has shaped me into who I am today. I am not gonna deny that I am different because of it. I am just different that what surrounds me. I know that everyone sins and someone is gonna say that you can't rate the degree of sin. And that everyone has shortcomings. Okay but my experiences are still different from yours. Just like a drug addict, sex addict, or alcoholic has had different experiences from me. I am not rating sin. I am just saying that people have different life experiences. So the "Belonging" blog was about wanting someone that I can connect to on a deeper level because we have had similar experiences. Like if you have never had a boyfriend, there is no way that you can relate to the fact that I have had 5 boyfriends and various hook-ups with guys. And that I just got out of a 3 year relationship. No one can relate to that unless they have been there.
• Disclaimer: This blog is in no way meant for anyone specific. I have many friends that haven't had the same experiences as me.
  

Belonging

Have you ever felt like you don't really belong with any group of people? I kinda feel that way right now. Guilt settles in to a point were I almost feel like I have done too many bad things to be a part of some Christian circles. I mean I am not this cookie cutter Christian that does everything right. I am just not. I have had too many short comings and mishaps to feel connected to another girl that has never had a boyfriend and always does the right thing. I hear these girls say things like that they are never gonna get married or wait until they are really serious with a guy to even kiss him. Man I wish I was in that spot. But I can't be. And I feel almost sinful just for thinking that. Because their ideas sound so perfect and mine sound flawed. Then on the other end I don't fit in with these girls that are waiting for the next party and the next hook up. Sex is okay and encouraged. Over the summer I was trying to be that girl too. It never really clicked though. God is still a huge part of my life, but I am nowhere near perfect either. Can anyone out there identify? Does anyone else feel caught in the middle of two completely different world, but can't relate to either? Is anyone on my side?

welcome to Redding

Well I made it to Redding. Safe and sound with a roof over my head. It was a little crazy trying to look for a place to live. I tried the whole search on craigslist thing and I came across an amazing house with a pool and everything. And I really wanted to live there and I got turned down for a girl that lives in New Zealand that is going to Bethel. Okay? And she had never even been there and my mom and I drove 4 hours to see the place. crazy? and then we went to Simpson and looked at postings on the board in the mailroom. And we called one on a whim and showed up at her door 10 minutes later. This girl named Beth with 2 dogs in a small townhouse. But i wanted to look some more so I called other numbers and later that week I made a 2nd trip to Redding to view two more places. And I really liked one of them. Seemed like I could fit in with these girls but I guess they didn't seem to think that I could fit in with them. :( So I called Beth whose place that I saw earlier in the week. And she said "yes". woo just in time. A week before school started. So I moved in on September 1st. It has been pretty cool here so far. Cool roommate. cool dogs. Beth and I have been going to the Stirring the last 2 weeks. Wow this is what I was missing. I missed church so much. I went over 3 months without any church or God connection. I still prayed sometimes but I was involved in other things that were holding me back from really connecting with God. Parties are fun for a moment and they sucked me in for sure. But there was no real fulfillment. The single life was a life were I was just waiting for the next hook up to keep me satisified. I had to get so drunk that I would just hook up with anyone. I was drowning. I kinda feel like moving to Redding saved me. And even when I do go back home and hang out with those friends, I feel like I can be a stronger person. Because without that connection with God, I am nothing. I don't even feel like I need a guy right now. It is kinda lonely. I mean I was in a relationship for a long time so I got used to having someone. But right now I am focusing my energy on God and not the fun that the world offers. (Hopefully this attitude will last through the week. it is Sunday. doubt always enters)
Darla